I’m the president of a very powerful nation that doesn’t deserve that power at all. Until now, I did manage my best to make my country become another one among the others, from kowtowing to foreign monarchs and assorted despots, to offering kind gestures to undeserving tyrants and finally, by running the economy into the ground by creating permanent humongous deficits and rising the unemployment to European levels, all in the name of equality and spreading the wealth (just like my wife recently did with the taxpayers’ money in her Europe vacation. The PIIGS are truly in desperate need).
I thought my people would appreciate all this (after all, I am the smart one), but no! All those ungrateful peasants are still clinging to their guns and their religion (Apparently, they didn’t get Mr. Hawking’s pleasant news: there’s no need for a God for the universe to exist). No matter what my independent media does, these hicks don’t want to listen to them but only to their own fellow hicks. And, as you might know by now, the race card is already maxed out.
Oh, this weakness of mine! I need to grab attention and recognition, and I deserve all the recognition and attention I can grab. I can’t truly understand why my global audience systematically try to tie me to all the environmental fiascoes when I promised that with all my sacred legislation the oceans would recede. You might be fooled thinking I’ve got all the absolute congressional majorities needed to pass any piece of legislation, but I assure you it is all those darn Republicans that are blocking my initiatives.
Abby, I need a break. So I decided to launch my new inspirational book for children in October. ‘Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters‘, full of profiles that will draw all the attention and admiration I need to nurture this weakness of mine. And maybe this way I will win another Nobel Prize this year (Two years in a row — In your face, everybody!). The more I think about it, the more I tremble because of the brilliance of my plan. The people will be seduced again to vote democrat in November by reading my shining prose (it will be mandatory in schools, for sure), and I will keep my majorities in Congress.
Oh, dear Abby; I thought I needed your help, but as usual, this is not the fact. Thanks anyway. As a token of my appreciation of you, I think you may keep this letter. Who knows how much insight it might give to my future biographers (and autobiographers).
Very truly yours,
There’s a pair of very special clothes I think would suit you for your new Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony…